I was on TikTok a few months ago and was going through a rough spot. I came across this post that recommended some books that can change your life. So I took to amazon and brought the book The Courage to be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi. Based on the philosophical ideas of Alfred Adler, the book is conversation based between a young person and a philosopher. Basically the youth is asking all kinds of questions, likely ones that the reader would have. The main topic and what interested me the most was the concept of interpersonal relationships and how they impact our views on ourselves and the rest of the word.

Every Problem is an Interpersonal Relationship Problem

This book gave me a new perspective of how I view myself in relationships with other people in saying that the value we put on ourselves or anything for that matter is just a social contract. The book writes, “Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of of being excluded from them.” These thoughts of being inferior, not worthy, and happiness, all come from our views and comparisons of other people and our involvement in society.

Life Tasks

“In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on.”

The book describes a life task as a task that a social being has no choice but to confront in their life. This can be broken down even further into tasks of work, tasks of friendship, and tasks of love. The point that the author tries to hone in on are the separation of tasks, meaning not involving yourself in someone else’s task and not allow someone else to intervene in your tasks. As an example, the book mentions a student studying. Studying is the task of the student once a parent intervenes and tell the child to study, this is breaking the child’s responsibility of their life task. This concept had me confused because a parent can not just let their child do whatever they want, they will end up not learning or understanding anything. We can not just raise ourselves without structure.

The philosopher in the book says the way to understand who’s task is whose is by thinking about who ultimately is going to receive the end result brought about by the choice that is made? The child will fall behind in school and the parents don’t receive any consonances. Noe a parent can not just sit back and let their child fail. but rather be there to support their child when studying or homework happen. For example, it would be okay for a parent to ‘involve’ themself when the child asks. In contrast, if a parent forces their child to study and says “It’s for your own good” then it flips to fulfill the parents own goals rather than putting the child in mind first.

I know its complicated and confusing, but the same philosophy is followed by counselors, therapists, doctors, and good friends. Ultimately. this can all be summed up by the phrase “You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink.” The book writes, “Forcing change while ignoring the person’s intentions will only lead to an intense reaction.” Without separating tasks will lead to constant worry and suffering, even if its with family or someone you love you need to establish boundaries and allow the child, partner, sibling, or whoever to be independent. While it is the child’s task to study it is the parents task to trust and believe that their child will do the right thing.

Freedom is Being Disliked by Other People

“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked”

This isn’t to say to just go ahead and be a miserable and unlikeable person. What the authors are trying to express is that if you are truly free and living by your own personal values, there are going to be people out there that disagree with you and that is okay. There will also be people out there who agree and like you, and so we can not allow ourselves to only focus on those that dislike us when we have people that do enjoy our company.

I am a self diagnosed people pleaser and I do not take people not liking me well, and so I sacrifice a lot of myself and my own personal wellbeing to make sure other people are pleased, and often times these people are unaware of my true feelings. This can often end up in burn out in myself and disappoint from other people. But as the book puts it, “not wanting to be disliked is probably my task, but whether or not so-and-so dislikes me is the other person’s task. Even if there is a person who doesn’t think well of me, I can not intervene in that.”

Live without Being Controlled by the past

” If the past determined everything and couldn’t be changed, we who are living today would no longer be able to take effective steps forward in our lives.”

The psychology in this book takes an interesting look at trauma and basically denies its existence. Now I am not one to believe that trauma isn’t real and doesn’t shape who we are following such events. But what the book is really trying to get at is that we can not allow our pasts to take control over our present or future. We need to stand in the spotlight of the here and now. Here is the analogy used in the book:

"Imagine that you are standing on a theatre stage. If the house lights are on, you'll probably be able to see all the way to the back of the hall. But if you're under a bright spotlight, you wont be able to make out even the front row. That's exactly how it is with our lives. It's because we cast a dim light on our entire lives that we are able to see past and future. Or, at least we imagine we can. But if one is shining a bright spotlight on here and now, one cannot see the past or the future anymore." -pg. 253

Shifting our focus to where we are now removes the pain, suffering, and worry that thinking about the past and future provides. This is a concept we try to provide in yoga. One hour of just being in the moment and not thinking about what is next or what has already happened. The only thing we have the power to change is the now and how are we going to spend it.

Vertical vs Horizontal Relationships

“One must not praise, and one must not rebuke.”

Another hot take in this book is the concept of vertical (hierarchical) relationships vs the horizonal (equal) relationship. What the authors try to convey from this concept is that when one praises such as, telling their kids “good job” when helping with the dishes, a boss shouts out their employee for staying after work. These all have a hint of manipulation from the one praising. A mom who wants their kids to keep doing the dishes, a boss wanting their employee’s to work overtime. On the surface it doesn’t seem all that bad, but the manipulation and the wiring that is happening in the other persons brain can cause interpersonal relationship problems in the future. these people will begin to chase praise, approval, codependency, to feel good and worthy. They will be functioning constantly on someone else’s control to get that praise.

So how can you support someone in a more equal way? The answer is simple, provide encouragement. “Adlerian psychology tells us that the issue here is not of ability, but simply that ‘one has lost the courage to face one’s tasks.’” to help encourage someone is easy, just be thankful for their help and attention. The writers say that just saying “thank you” is enough to give someone their courage back, and at the same time the relationship is equal. not ore or less than.

In a later part of the book, the concept of contribution is discussed, “community feeling.” The idea of being free to make your own choices, and relationships, and make positive interpersonal connections.

Live like you’re Dancing

“Life is a series of moments, which one lives as if one were dancing, right now, around and around each passing instant.”

This book really did open my eyes and I learned a lot. I hope this post will help some other people as well. If you’d like to read The Courage to be Disliked click the link!